Okay I totally catfished the shit out of my husband đ€Łđ€Łđ€Ł It goes without saying that growing an entire person inside of yourself is guaranteed to change the way your body looks.
I donât care how much money you spent on that âpregnancy-specializedâ personal trainer or how much kale you ate during pregnancy.
Everyone knows that whatever body you had before you got knocked up is long gone.
The Terms and Conditions plainly state that if you are going to create life, your body will get freakinâ destroyed in the process.
What isnât so plainly stated in the Terms and Conditions of Creating Life is that once you have created said life, suddenly you start aging at an uncontrollable rate.
So there is no coincidence that the Toddler is turning 4 next month and I havenât been carded in almost a year.
Youâd think having a little kid around would make you more youthful.
WRONG.
Those little parasites are just sucking the youth right out of us.
It starts with those giant purple bags under your eyes, then suddenly your hips start to ache, slowly your eyesight starts to go, until BAM!
One day youâre buying boxed wine at the grocery store and as you offer your I.D. for inspection the cashier goes, âthatâs alright I donât need to see it.â Donât need to see it?
Technically if someone looks under the age of 35 you have to ask for their I.D.
But this cashier, along with most people who sell age-sensitive products, donât seem to think I look under the age of 35.
Yâall.
I am 25 freaking years old.
I have only been allowed to purchase alcohol for 4 years.
My license has only been horizontal for like 18 months.
I know I look tired as hell and I complain about my lower back pain and diminishing eyesight a lot but dammit GETTING CARDED IS STILL EXCITING TO ME FOR SOME REASON & NOW I HAVE MY NEW HORIZONTAL 21+ I.D. SO PLEASE JUST LET ME SHOW IT TO YOU FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
At this rate Iâll be getting offered senior discounts by The Toddlerâs 10th birthday.
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I wish I could freeze this moment & live it for the rest of time.
You are so pure, so curious, so full of wonder.
You should never have to change.
As I sit here watching you, I try absorbing every detail:
Your furrowed brow as you study the earth, the stones, the water.
Your eyes widen with surprise as you spot a tiny fish.
The tenderness in your hands as you carefully inspect a fallen leaf.
The softness in your voice as you ask me questions & make your own observations.
You are a gentle creature, yet you are determined to learn about this great big world you find yourself in.
I wish this moment was enough for you, like it is for me.
I wish you were content with staying here forever with me.
I wish you never had to know anything more about this world than what you know now.
You are too good.
You are too pure.
You don't deserve what this world is capable of doing to you.
You don't deserve what is coming.
I want to ask you to stay with me right here, my precious child.
Stay with me right here, right now where the world can't reach you; can't hurt you.
Stay with me right here, where you can stay happy, wholesome, innocent, and full of love.
Stay with me right here where I can protect you, because if you don't, there is only so much I can shield you from.
I am afraid, my child. I am so afraid.
I fear this world will tarnish you.
I fear this world will break your heart, that beautiful kind heart.
I fear this world will do to you what is has done to me.
And I fear that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to stop it.
I will do my best to protect you, but what if it's not enough?
What if I can't save you? What if I can't save you from the world? From myself?
What if I'm the one to blame for tarnishing your innocent world?
What if I fail you, little one?
But as I sit here watching you, wishing I could live this moment for the rest of time,
I know that if I asked you to stay, you would say no.
You have no reason to stay because you trust me.
You have no reason to doubt my abilities as your mother.
You have complete confidence in me.
While I may not believe in myself right now,
With your help, little one, I just might be able to start.
