Raffi

Do you know how hard it is to feel like a bad ass when listening to Raffi? I recently upgraded the Mom Taxi to a MILF Wagon. Manual transmission, spitfire orange, brand spanking new... I thought I was the coolest mom in the carpool rotation. But when you roll up blasting "Down By the Bay" … Continue reading Raffi

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I already don’t brush my hair enough as it is.

My hair is a hot diggity mess 93% of the time. But if I don't pull a brush through my 47lbs of thick, frizzy, Italian hair every once in a while, anyone who looks at me turns to stone. So imagine my horror when my ONLY HAIRBRUSH GOES MISSING. One minute, the Toddler was using … Continue reading I already don’t brush my hair enough as it is.

Mom Discrimination

So when the Toddler dramatically spills himself upon the staircase with his blankie & starts groaning, "MOMMMMMMM... GO BEDDDDDDDDD...." He's just a precious sleepy angel. But when I dramatically spill myself upon the staircase & beg for bed, I'm just an embarrassing lightweight. Apparently having 2 1/2 glasses of wine & a lack of depth … Continue reading Mom Discrimination

Birth Control.

When someone asks me when we are having another baby, I show them this picture. At first, you see my disgusting, neglected, filthy backseat. You can practically smell the curdled milk that has crystallized into the cloth interior. Stale Cheerios and miscellaneous snacks are littered throughout & smashed into every crevice. There's even a refugee … Continue reading Birth Control.

Toddlers are awkward.

Toddlers are experts in creating the most uncomfortable and awkward situations. And Paw Patrol is sending misleading messages. So, going to the grocery store used to be one of mine and the 2 year old's favorite things to do together. We would usually go towards the end of our day to burn some energy before … Continue reading Toddlers are awkward.

First Degree Sleep Deprivation

You always hear things like "Sure, you lose a lot of sleep when you become a parent. But your child needs you at all hours of the day! It's not like they're deliberately causing sleep loss! They don't mean any harm!" Sorry to break it to you but THESE BABIES HAVE GOT YOU ALL FOOLED!!! … Continue reading First Degree Sleep Deprivation

Please Don’t Give My Kid That Freakin’ Balloon

You see a cute kid in the grocery store line reaching for the $15 Spongebob balloon screeching “MOAN-AN! MOAN-AN! PEAS?! MOAN-AN!” ("Moan-an" translates to "balloon") Naturally, you want to give the kid a balloon because he really is adorable and look how much he loves balloons… Look, grocery store clerk, I know you mean well … Continue reading Please Don’t Give My Kid That Freakin’ Balloon

All I wanted to do was sit on the couch and eat my bowl of cereal…

The moment the milk hits the cereal, Toddler craps his pants. Now I have to wrestle a poopy, smelly toddler because diaper changes are now "the end of the world." Set the cereal bowl on the end table... "BISKIT GET AWAY FROM MY FOOD!!!" The Chihuahua is standing on the end table eating my Captain … Continue reading All I wanted to do was sit on the couch and eat my bowl of cereal…