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TICKING TIME MOMB

Motherhood Exposed | Raw. Sarcastic. Witty. Brutally Honest.

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⚠️Special thanks to my girl Teddi for pulling me out of my writers block and inspiring this post 💕 It's a long one but it's sure to bring a giggle or two ;) let me know your thoughts! While I’m still here dry swallowing birth control pills mid panic attack in the pharmacy drive-thru, My wonderful Mom Friend & her husband welcomed their second beautiful child into the world! Since my 2 year old is a walking, talking contraceptive, I plan on using their baby to satisfy my baby hunger. It’s awesome. I get my fix then if she cries or poops or throws up or something I just hand her back & go home. Talk about friends with benefits. But I’ve gotta give it to my Mom Friend, having a newborn & a toddler is some hardcore shit, man. Any mom who has a kid under 4 years old & decides to have another kid should immediately receive a Black Belt at the time of delivery. These moms are freakin' warriors. Yet, oftentimes, people have this misconception about second time moms; that since they’ve survived one newborn they can survive them all. Listen, this may not be her first rodeo, but it sure as hell isn’t the same bull & the first bull is still bucking. So before you get all excited to pay a visit to your friend & her new baby, remember that she requires the same courtesies that were given with her first child. Read the "Do's" & “Don't's” for visiting a new mom who just had her second baby on my website! Link in bio 💥👉

Who else totally failed at making dinner tonight? If you're here thinking you're about to read about some crazy diet hack about corn & coffee, well then you're probably new here. Because if you're familiar with this Ticking Time Momb, you'd know damn good & well the only "diet hack" I know is: "Get the organic fruit snacks instead of the regular ones, that way when the Toddler relentlessly screeches for 'MOREEEE SNAAAACKKKSSS' you'll feel like less of a failure when you give him yet another pack." So obviously you're not going to find any tips or tricks or hacks here. Just a sad picture of my pathetic attempt at making dinner. My initial intentions were good but Mom Life doesn't give a shit about good intentions. Instead, Mom Life derails your dinner plans with 2 poopy diapers, a Toddler who only took a 7 minute nap, a meltdown about a DVD case from said Toddler & the mountain of dirty dishes that need to be cleaned because every pot, pan, & fork you own is dirty. So yeah this is as good as it's gonna get. Don't worry, I opened a can of green beans & a fruit cup to go along with the Toddlers corn on the cob. Good job Mom! Now it's 8:30PM & I'm going to enjoy my cold coffee & corn & watch Beauty and the Beast for the 3rd time today. #momlife #momblogger #motherhood #parenthood #momstruggles #mommymayhem #toddlerlife #boymom #momfail #rawmotherhood #parentingfail #momfail #motherhoodunplugged #momblogger #storytellingmama #momhumor #motherhood #parenthood #toddler #toddlermom #assholeparent #realmom #honestmotherhood #bloggersofinstagram #momlife #mombloggernetwork #momsofinstagram1

In the time it took me to make this video I could have finished all the damn laundry🤦‍♀️ Not today, Satan. Not today. Anybody else avoiding laundry like the smelly ugly plague that it is? "Yesterday's Shirt" by @simplyboldclothing #parentingfail #momfail #motherhoodunplugged #momblogger #storytellingmama #momhumor #motherhood #parenthood #toddler #toddlermom #assholeparent #realmom #honestmotherhood #bloggersofinstagram #momlife #mombloggernetwork #momsofinstagram #laundry #hotmessmom #funnyvideos #vegasmom #igmotherhood #momsunite

Today's meltdown brought to you by a DVD. Since we stream almost all of our movies, the Toddler is not familiar with DVD's or how they work... All he knows is that they are confusing & he HATES them. The Toddler thought the disc was a frisbee & the case was a book. So when I put his frisbee in the DVD player & refused to read the story about how "Horton Handles His Schizophrenia" from a DVD case, he lost his mind. Boy, I'd hate to see his reaction to a VHS tape. #parentingfail #momfail #motherhoodunplugged #momblogger #storytellingmama #momhumor #motherhood #parenthood #toddler #toddlermom #assholeparent #realmom #honestmotherhood #bloggersofinstagram #momlife #mombloggernetwork #momsofinstagram

Let’s be real. This whole mom gig is the loneliest thing ever. How is it that we literally birthed our very own personal stalker & we feel more alone than ever? I mean this kid forces me to make eye contact while I’m taking a poop. It’s hard to rationalize these feelings of loneliness with that kind of intimacy. But even with a Stage-Five-Clinger, I’ve spent most of my time in motherhood feeling alone. Social media was a big contributor to this. Either all these mom’s on social media got some kind of Perfect-Parenting-Informational-Packet in their take-home bag from the hospital or they’re all full of shit. I’ll lean towards the latter. It was hard to imagine becoming friends with these mom’s who seemed to really have their lives together, while I can’t bring myself to look in the mirror because I haven’t showered in a week & my kid is screaming profanities in the grocery store. Hell, sometimes I didn’t even want to be friends with me. But my mother insisted that I needed to be friends with someone, ANYONE. She swore if I put myself out there & tried to make some friends my life would change. It’s taken me a long time & I hate to admit it but my mother was right. I was missing one crucial component of surviving motherhood: A Mom Friend. A real, genuine motherhood friendship. 💥Continue reading on the blog! Link in bio💥 Did you or are you having a hard time making mom friends? Why do you think it's so hard to make real genuine motherhood friendships? Tag your mom friend in the comments!

An excerpt from my new post: A Letter to the "Professional" Moms💌 Read the full post on Facebook/Blog "Dear "Professional" Moms, (AKA Mom Shamers, Perfect Patty's, Shiny Social Media Mom) First off, I just want to congratulate you for being apart of the very small percentage of mothers who own the Official Motherhood Instruction Manual.... [Read the full post on Facebook/Blog] ...Your pretty little Instagram means nothing when you watched that mom’s story about how she chose not to breastfeed & to exclusively pump. Your bright & airy presets mean nothing when you flood her DM’s with criticism, judgement, & hate. Your color schemes don’t hide the fact that you told that mom that she was a FAILURE & that she was depriving her baby the nutrition & bonding experience it deserves. Your cute little Facebook posts mean nothing when you saw a post your friend shared from that mom blogger who opened up about her bad day. Your cute little stories mean nothing when you flooded the comment section with accusations, name calling, & threats. Your fake social media persona means NOTHING when you went searching for all of her social media accounts & harassing her until you were blocked. Your unblemished take on motherhood means NOTHING when you messaged that mom & told her that she doesn’t deserve her child & that she is sick & that she should be sent away. Your crap stories about your crap life mean NOTHING when you told that mom she should kill herself. So no, you’re not fooling anyone, sister. You can try & hide behind that screen but I see you. We all see you. You’re not a “Professional Mom.” You’re an amateur. Just like the rest of us. Only worse. I may be an Exclusive-Pumping-Baby-Deprivator & an Accused-Child-Abuser…. But at least I’m not a Professional Mom. At least I’m not you. Congrats, again. You must be so proud of yourself. Love, The “Other” Moms" FOLLOW LINK IN BIO TO READ FULL POST

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A Letter to the Professional Moms
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Bedtime with the Toddler
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