How to Ruin Your Body & Age Rapidly: Have a Baby

Okay I totally catfished the shit out of my husband🤣🤣🤣

It goes without saying that growing an entire person inside of yourself is guaranteed to change the way your body looks.

I don’t care how much money you spent on that “pregnancy-specialized” personal trainer or how much kale you ate during pregnancy.

Everyone knows that whatever body you had before you got knocked up is long gone.

The Terms and Conditions plainly state that if you are going to create life, your body will get freakin’ destroyed in the process.

What isn’t so plainly stated in the Terms and Conditions of Creating Life is that once you have created said life, suddenly you start aging at an uncontrollable rate.

So there is no coincidence that the Toddler is turning 4 next month and I haven’t been carded in almost a year.

You’d think having a little kid around would make you more youthful.


Those little parasites are just sucking the youth right out of us.

It starts with those giant purple bags under your eyes, then you suddenly your hips start to ache, then slowly your eyesight starts to go, until BAM!

One day you’re buying boxed wine at the grocery store and as you offer your I.D. for inspection the cashier goes, “that’s alright I don’t need to see it.” Don’t need to see it?

Technically if someone looks under the age of 35 you have to ask for their I.D.

But this cashier, along with most people who sell age-sensitive products, don’t seem to think I look under the age of 35.


I am 25 freaking years old.

I have only been allowed to purchase alcohol for 4 years.

My license has only been horizontal for like 18 months.

I know I look tired as hell and I complain about my lower back pain and diminishing eyesight a lot but dammit GETTING CARDED IS STILL EXCITING TO ME FOR SOME REASON & NOW I HAVE MY NEW HORIZONTAL 21+ I.D. SO PLEASE JUST LET ME SHOW IT TO YOU FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

At this rate I’ll be getting offered senior discounts by The Toddler’s 10th birthday.

One thought on “How to Ruin Your Body & Age Rapidly: Have a Baby

  1. Haha. So funny. I’m 35 and still find it reaffirming when I get carded (doesn’t happen a lot, but when it does I hang on to it!).

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