Today I cried.


Today I cried.

I cried hard.

I sat at top of the staircase, covered my face, & cried.

When he saw me start to come down the stairs, The Toddler ran behind the recliner to hide.

He knew he wasn’t allowed to have the cereal but there it was spilled all over the kitchen counter I had just finished scrubbing.

He was hiding from me, afraid I would start yelling again.

I wanted to. I would have.

But instead I cried.

He watched me for a moment; confusion turning into concern.

“Oh Mom,” he said, “please don’t cry.”

But I just sat there. Exhausted, defeated, & broken.

He brought me his ball & his race car.
He did a silly dance & made a funny face.
He touched my face & put his tiny arms around my shoulders.

“Please Mom. Don’t cry.”

Today was a bad day.

He wants candy for breakfast.

I want to go back to sleep.

He wants Team Umizoomi NOT Bubble Guppies.

I want to turn the TV off & go back to bed.

He doesn’t want to take a shower.

I want to take a shower by myself.

Instead, I shower with my hands over my ears with the Toddler’s sitting at my feet. The shower walls amplify his defiant screams & shatter my eardrums.

He wants to get out of the house.

I want to go to bed.

He wants a tennis ball from the grocery store.

I want a bottle of wine.

Wait now he wants the football?? He screams it loud enough for the entire store to hear.

I want to leave him in the parking lot.

The entire day goes on like this. Fight after fight. Argument after argument.

Despite it all, today, I am trying.

I reach out to a friend & tell her how I’m feeling.

I keep my voice level & calm. I talk to the Toddler & listen & try to understand. I give so many hugs & dozens of kisses.

I turn off the screens & turn on music.

I dance around & play on the floor & read books.

But no matter how hard I try & no matter what I do or say or act, it doesn’t stop.

Today, I tried. I really, really tried.

Everything I thought I knew about parenting was exhausted & useless.

Today, I failed.

Today I screamed & cussed & threw things.

Today I popped my kid on the mouth more than once & I put him in timeout.

Today I lashed out at my husband & resented the peaceful relationship he has with our son.

Today, I was mean. I was unkind. I was impatient.

Today, I lost.

I lost the fight with my son. I lost the fight with my husband.

I lost the fight with myself.

Today, I don’t think I can do this anymore.

Today, I don’t want this life.

So yeah, today I cried.

No one tells you about this part.

No one tells you about the anger & the sadness & the isolation & the disdain.

No one tells you that motherhood brings out an unrecognizable version of yourself who you hate & resent.

No one tells you about days like today.

But as I sat on the staircase weeping at the terrible thoughts rattling through my head, that little boy didn’t leave my side.

He had spent the entire day watching me morph into a terrible, ugly monster, just as I’d watched him become one as well.

But at the end of the day, when our scary monster masks melt away, I am still his Mama & he is still my child.

Today, I am his mother & tomorrow will be the same.

So tomorrow, I will keep trying.

& you should too.

Keep trying, Mama. Keep going.

Today was hard. Tomorrow might be too. That’s okay.

Some days won’t have a happy endings. Some days there are no resolutions.

You just have to go to bed, & wake up ready to try again.

We can do this, Mamas. We can do this.

If you have had or are having days like today, leave a comment, share this, or send me a message. Anything to send a message to all mothers that we are not alone in days like today.

All my love,
Taylor 💥❤

31 thoughts on “Today I cried.

  1. It’s a relief and comfort to know I’m not alone. You’ve described the exact thoughts that have raced through my own head. Thank you for sharing.

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  2. I’ve had many days like these! It was exhausting and frustrating and I felt like a terrible mom, and I fell helpless. But, there are also many great days that helps you carry on. Today my son is 14 years old, and I’m blessed, because he is great, and we have a pretty good relationship, even though he is a teenager 😂 (this is a time with other challenges 😉). You are not alone and you are doing your best. Keep doing what you are doing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This showed up in front of my face at just the right time. This was my day today, and it does feel lonely and isolating, and it does make you resent yourself. I feel like I have a lot of these days with 2 teens and a toddler (who is VERY strong willed!), so thank you for writing something so real that every mother can relate to and maybe not feel so alone!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This blog post really hit me hard. I feel this so much. I love this so much. Some days I seriously hate myself because of the anger and rage and hollering and screaming and hiding and crying and then ending my day so mad at myself for how I acted but couldn’t control. It’s sucks no one gives us moms a heads up on this part of parenting. But know that you are definitely not alone. The important thing is we kiss our kids goodnight and we know we love them and they know we love them. Those little hugs and kisses and sweet voices that melt our hearts even when we are at our worst. Mean everything. We have to realize they are learning about life and they are aloud to have emotions and kids have bad days to. They are human!!! We just have to learn to apologize especially if we expect them to. Hang in there and breath when you get hugs from your kids. Take it in and it will help you calm. ((Hugs)! I so needed to read this myself. Thank you!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Jessica thank you so much for your comment. I’m so glad my words found their way to you! You are so right. We have to keep trying for them! Hugs to you too❤ thank you for reading

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  5. This blog post really hit me hard. I feel this so much. I love this so much. Some days I seriously hate myself because of the anger and rage and hollering and screaming and hiding and crying and then ending my day so mad at myself for how I acted but couldn’t control. It’s sucks no one gives us moms a heads up on this part of parenting. But know that you are definitely not alone. The important thing is we kiss our kids goodnight and we know we love them and they know we love them. Those little hugs and kisses and sweet voices that melt our hearts even when we are at our worst. Mean everything. We have to realize they are learning about life and they are aloud to have emotions and kids have bad days to. They are human!!! We just have to learn to apologize especially if we expect them to. Hang in there and breath when you get hugs from your kids. Take it in and it will help you calm. ((Hugs)! I so needed to read this myself. Thank you!!!!!

    Like

  6. I sooooo needed to read this, today especially. Thank you!! It’s so easy to share our triumphs in this journey, but this is so raw and so real and so relatable. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. The way you described the anger that can arise in parenting I relate to so well. I never was an angry person, not to anyone, until I began parenting. I have seen a side of myself I do not like and isn’t like me. My words said in an angry meltdown parenting moment have made me ashamed. I made a conscious effort to change and it got much better. Thank you for speaking my exact thoughts and giving me encouragement to pick up and move forward. It’s nice to hear I’m not alone in the struggle.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Been there! But the beauty of parenting for me, is that it has shown me whom I really am. I’m not patient and I’m not loving. And my kids are helping me with that. 😊🙏🏽 You’re trying, and that’s all that matters. And even though you had a rough day, you’re still his most favorite person.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I cried reading this… My dtgr is 14 and I remember all those feeling you described in your article.. It’s always nice to know you’re not alone and you’re not!! Take care of yourself and BIG HUGS from this mama in South Carolina!!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. “No one tells you that motherhood brings out an unrecognizable version of yourself who you hate & resent” – very true. Days like this bring out this crazy raging woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown…someone I have never been and don’t know what to do with. Sometimes after a major blow-up it’s like…who was the crazy person?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I have had so many days like this! I have 2 boys and some days it feels like they are against me and every request is a fight. Every feeling you described I have felt on so many levels. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your comment and taking the time to read ❤❤ Toddlerhood, and motherhood especially, is so unpredictable. Just have to keep rolling with the punches (literally) and try to be the best we can for our littles!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Oh momma… I’ve had SO many days like this. You’re right… feels like no one told us about this part. But we’ll make it… just keep on keeping on. ❤❤❤ breathe and keep getting back up again. Our faithfulness is gold. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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