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Bedtime with the Toddler

February 7, 2019 ~ tickingtimemomb

After 2 hours⏰, 4 books📚, 7 songs🎵, 17 escape attempts🏃‍♂️, 13 tuck-ins🛌, 3 sippy cup refills🍼, 4 meltdowns😭, 2 plea bargains🙏 & .3mL of Benadryl☠…

The Toddler is now kicking the wall to the beat of “We Will Rock You” & I’m stuck working nursery security until the Benadryl knocks his ass out.

So yeah I’d say bedtime is going pretty well tonight

💀💀💀

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Posted in Humor, Lifestyle, Mom Blog, Motherhood Humor Lifestyle momblog momfail Momlife Motherhood Parenthood Toddlers

Published by tickingtimemomb

Motherhood Exposed | Raw. Sarcastic. Witty. Brutally Honest. View all posts by tickingtimemomb

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On behalf of #worldsmentalhealthday I thought I'd re-share this article. My inspiration behind this post was to show every type of mom that she is not alone in her mental health battle. If you know a mom (or if you are that mom) who is struggling right now, please pass this along to her. Link in bio👌 "If you want the real definition of Postpartum Depression, you have to ask the Mama’s. CDC Research shows as many as 1 in 5 women are affected by PPD. But what the experts don’t tell you is that PPD is far more complex than irregular hormone levels & brain chemicals. PPD does not abide by a list of symptoms. Every mother affected by PPD gets her own customized list of symptoms. The purpose of creating this list is to bring awareness to Maternal Mental Health & to help any new mom who may be experiencing similar battles feel less alone in her PPD." Drop a ❤️ in the comments if you relate to any of these 15 Moms 👇 #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #maternalhealth #ppd #postpartum #momsofig #momlife #motherhood #instamom #momssupportingmoms #newmom

How do you mend a broken basic white girl? With a pumpkin PATCH! HA HA HA HA HA 🤣🤦‍♀️ Yesterday, the high in Vegas was 93° & today it dropped all the way to a high of 69°(giggity) which means it's officially oversized-granny-cardigan season. Basically I am THRIVING🤘🤘🤘 Fall is obviously the superior season (don't @ me), so tell me your favorite part about fall OR better yet, drop some dumb fall/halloween puns 🤣👌 . . . . #myhonestmotherhood #ig_motherhood #iammom #motherhoodintheraw #honestmommin #momlife #motherhoodunplugged #momblogger #blogsociety #iammom #realmomlife #parentingblogger #momsofig #momsofinsta #itsfallyall #storytellingmama #momcommunity #rawmotherhood #pumpkinspiceeverything #october #pumpkinpatch #lasvegasmoms #thisismotherhood #motherhoodunplugged #honestparenting #momoftoddlers #motherly #momtogs #vegasmoms #assholeparent #momhumor #toddlerlife

Pardon the tardiness of this post. I was planning to write this to share with you all on Tuesday, but I (as well as many others, I'm sure) still find it too hard to go on social media, watch the news, or even listen to the radio the first few days of October here in Vegas. For those of you who don't know, I am a Las Vegas native. Born and raised. Despite its massive population, natives consider Vegas a small town. Somehow, everyone knows everyone, which, strangely enough, gives this metropolis more of a "Mayberry" feel. October 1st, 2017, I clocked out at 10:02PM. I left the restaurant and started my commute home down Paradise Road. As I approached the Tropicana intersection, suddenly I had to slam hard on my breaks. It took a moment for me to realize that I was inches away from hitting a person. But he didn't even see me. He was running, fast, and away from The Strip. Suddenly, traffic deadlocked as the countless panicked runners darted through cars, frantically sprinting away from Las Vegas Blvd. Visible from the intersection, we looked out at the airport tarmac scattered with frantic, lost runners. Some gathered at the gas station on the corner. I remember there was blood all over everyone's clothes, but I couldn’t spot a source. It was just all over them. I couldn’t tell you how long we sat at that intersection. Time wasn’t going faster or slower. It just simply stopped. After maybe a few minutes or so, I started my drive home, which I don’t remember very clearly. The one thing that has always stuck out the most, though, were the sirens. The sound haunts me to this day. Once home, our family stayed up all night calling friends and family who were either at the concert or on the strip. We watched the death toll numbers rise as we fell into a light, tearful sleep. The days, weeks, and months following October 1, 2017 would become the most definitive time in Las Vegas history. Las Vegas is more than just a bright-light city these days. The tragedy of October 1 exposed the true wild west grit of Las Vegas. We are Battle Born. We are Vegas Born. We are Vegas Strong.

For the parents who want enjoy their adult beverage but have nothing to pair it with other than their kid's snacks. 💥A Guide to Pairing Kid Snacks with Adult Beverages💥 Share your pairing suggestions in the comments!👇 🍷Cabernet Sauvignon + Slim Jim You can’t go wrong with a fatty steak with your glass of Cabernet. But since an $80 New York Strip isn’t on tonight’s menu, just grab yourself a Slim Jim at the gas station. Same same. 🍷Pinot Noir + Spaghetti O’s This light red wine pairs nicely with tomato-based sauces because of its lighter composition. Pinot Noir will pair beautifully with most of Chef Boyardee’s tomato sauce pastas. 🍷Moscato D’Asti + Strawberry Poptart Enjoy that poptart you found at the bottom of your purse with a cold sweet, fruity glass of Moscato D’Asti. 🍷Chardonnay + Goldfish Combine this crisp, dry white wine with a handful of some stale Goldfish you found in your glovebox to enhance its fruity, apple and pear notes. 🍷Riesling + Fruit Snacks Reisling’s main flavor characteristics are berries, fruit, and citrus which are the exact same flavor characteristics of fruit snacks. Use the gummies as a garnish if you’re feeling fancy or just drop them right into the glass for an extra sweet refreshing drink. 🍸Mimosa + Stale Potato Chips For those Sunday mornings when you’ve already had to ground both your kids and it’s only 10AM, grab that mimosa and lock yourself in the pantry. Luckily salt enhances the flavor of champagne, so that stale bag of Lays won’t have to go to waste afterall. 🍸Vodka Soda + Sandwich Crusts Dark breads are one of the many pairing options of vodka. Be sure to save those crusts your toddler demanded that you cut off to pair with your vodka sod 🍸Bloody Mary + Chicken Nuggets Bloody Mary’s can pretty much go with anything, including the 2 ½ leftover chicken nuggets sitting on the counter from your toddler’s Happy Meal. 🍸Margarita + Nachos Lunchable Margaritas are the perfect pair for all Mexican Cuisine. Good thing Lunchables were on sale for 10 for $10 today. Helpful Tip✔ You can always substitue your mixer with a Capri Sun.... READ FULL POST ON THE BLOG💥 LINK IN BIO👌

You see a cute kid in the grocery store line reaching for the $15 Spongebob balloon screeching "MOAN-AN! MOAN-AN! PEAS?! MOAN-AN!” (“Moan-an” translates to “balloon”) Naturally, you want to give the kid a balloon because he really is adorable and look how much he loves balloons… Look, grocery store clerk, I know you mean well & you have a plethora of “HAPPY NEW YEAR!” balloons your boss told you to get rid of, but when I say,“Oh, you’re so kind, but no thank you,” I don’t mean that I get off on depriving my child the simple joys of life. I mean that ONCE THAT DAMN THING LANDS IN THE CLUTCHES OF THIS BALLOON-JUNKY CHILD IT WILL IMMEDIATELY BECOME A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION. THIS STUPID -FLOATING- LATEX- PIECE-OF-SHIT IS GUARANTEED TO RUIN MY DAY, LADY. MOST OF THE TIME, IF I’M LUCKY, THE BALLOON WON’T EVEN MAKE IT TO THE CAR BECAUSE TODDLERS ARE CLUMSIER THAN A CRACK WHORE WITH A BROKEN HEEL & THEY ALWAYS RELEASE THE STRING. But God forbid it does survive the parking lot, car ride & finally makes it home, THIS WEAPON WILL BE USED TO TORTURE THE ENTIRE FAMILY. THE BALLOON STRING WILL BE USED TO STRANGLE THE CAT. THE STATICKY LATEX WILL BE RUBBED INTO MY SCALP. THE TODDLER WILL LET IT FLOAT UP OUR VAULTED CEILINGS & WON’T STOP SCREAMING UNTIL I’VE CLIMBED A LADDER & RETRIEVED IT. I’LL TRY HIDING IT AFTER HE GOES TO BED. BUT TODDLERS DON’T FORGET, LADY! TODDLERS DON’T FORGET BALLOONS. TODDLERS NEVER FORGET. "But it’s free!” God dammit. . . . #myhonestmotherhood #ig_motherhood #iammom #motherhoodintheraw #honestmommin #momlife #motherhoodunplugged #momblogger #blogsociety #iammom #realmomlife #parentingblogger #momsofig #momsofinsta #bloggerlife #storytellingmama #momcommunity #rawmotherhood #momsirl #thisismotherhood #motherhoodunplugged #honestparenting #momoftoddlers #motherly #momtogs #parenthoodunveiled #ohheymama #vegasmoms #assholeparent #momhumor #toddlerlife

I cannot wait for the day I get to fling my soiled adult diaper at my son's face 🤘 #karma

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