Please Don’t Give My Kid That Freakin’ Balloon


You see a cute kid in the grocery store line reaching for the $15 Spongebob balloon screeching

“MOAN-AN! MOAN-AN! PEAS?! MOAN-AN!”

(“Moan-an” translates to “balloon”)

Naturally, you want to give the kid a balloon because he really is adorable and look how much he loves balloons…

Look, grocery store clerk, I know you mean well & you have a plethora of “HAPPY NEW YEAR!” balloons your boss told you to get rid of, but when I say,“Oh, you’re so kind, but no thank you,”

I don’t mean that I get off on depriving my child the simple joys of life.

I mean that ONCE THAT DAMN THING LANDS IN THE CLUTCHES OF THIS BALLOON-JUNKY CHILD IT WILL IMMEDIATELY BECOME A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION.

THIS STUPID-FLOATING-LATEX-PIECE-OF-SHIT IS GUARANTEED TO RUIN MY DAY, LADY.

MOST OF THE TIME, IF I’M LUCKY,

THE BALLOON WON’T EVEN MAKE IT TO THE CAR BECAUSE TODDLERS ARE CLUMSIER THAN A CRACK WHORE WITH A BROKEN HEEL & THEY ALWAYS RELEASE THE STRING.

But God forbid it does survive the parking lot, car ride & finally makes it home,

THIS WEAPON WILL BE USED TO TORTURE THE ENTIRE FAMILY.

THE BALLOON STRING WILL BE USED TO STRANGLE THE CAT. THE STATICKY LATEX WILL BE RUBBED INTO MY SCALP.

THE TODDLER WILL LET IT FLOAT UP OUR VAULTED CEILINGS & WON’T STOP SCREAMING UNTIL I’VE CLIMBED A LADDER & RETRIEVED IT.

I’LL TRY HIDING IT AFTER HE GOES TO BED. BUT TODDLERS DON’T FORGET, LADY!

TODDLERS DON’T FORGET BALLOONS.

TODDLERS NEVER FORGET.

“But it’s free!”

God dammit.

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