I mean I get it…

You see a cute kid in the grocery store line reaching for the $15 Spongebob balloon screeching

“MOAN-AN! MOAN-AN! PEAS?! MOAN-AN!”

Naturally, you want to give the kid a balloon because he really is adorable and look how much he loves balloons…

Look, grocery store clerk, I know you mean well and you have a plethora of “HAPPY NEW YEAR!” balloons your boss told you to get rid of, but when I say,

“Oh, you’re so kind, but no thank you,”

I don’t mean that I get off on depriving my child the simple joys of life.

I mean that ONCE THAT DAMN BALLOON LANDS IN THE CLUTCHES OF THIS “MOAN-AN” OBSESSED TODDLER IT WILL IMMEDIATELY BECOME A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION.

THAT BALLOON IS ABOUT TO CAUSE A CATASTROPHIC TODDLER MELT DOWN.

I’LL TRY HIDING IT WHEN WE GET HOME. BUT TODDLERS DON’T FORGET, LADY!

TODDLERS DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE MOAN-ANS.

TODDLERS NEVER FORGET.

“But it’s free!”

God dammit.

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